It takes two to make a baby

Maybe you're reading this while your husband dutifully swallows down his man-vitamins? Perhaps he is currently throwing out his boxers that are too tight (and therefore bound to reduce your chances of conceiving)? Or is he flicking through the pages of the latest Vita West journal and swotting up on the latest fertility advances?

Maybe he is not doing any of this. And maybe you feel like you are doing this on your own sometimes.

I used to wish that my DH* would be as enthusiastic as me; that he would be as concerned as me about whether my fiftieth ovulation stick of the day was positive or not; that he would scour the internet like I did, reading up on the best diets to help endometriosis and PCOS; that he would cry as much as I did when month after month my period arrived with gusto; that he would wake up thinking about babies and go to bed worrying about whether we'd done enough that month; that he would look at the calendar and count nine months forward and dream of the day that our baby would enter the world; that he would feel the pain of yet another pregnancy announcement at work and that he would quite simply share the same pain as me.

But I have come to realise that there are benefits to both types of husbands/partners.

On the one hand, there are the men who are involved every step of the way, who openly feel awful when another month passes and says things like 'I really want a baby' and 'maybe next month will be our lucky month' or 'of course I'll go for yet another Sperm Analysis test darling.' I miss this sometimes. I feel frustrated that my husband isn't like this.

However, on the other hand, you have men like my husband. Men who are laid-back. Men who adopt the 'what-will-be-will-be' attitude and men who quite frankly will do what you ask of them. Most of the time. Being with this type of man means that I haven't felt pressure from him and this is extremely helpful when I have all the pressure I need coming directly from myself.

But being with a quiet man, one who doesn't talk much about how they feel, can also have its problems.

It took my DH and I five years of a relationship, twenty months of TTC and two and a half years of marriage to learn how to communicate. And I mean properly communicate about important things like babies and the lack of babies and our future and infertility.

In hindsight the first 20 months of TTC were about me. I invested a lot of my time looking after myself, eating healthily, focusing on being mentally strong, going to yoga, starting Mindfulness, going to Acupuncture and the list goes on. While I don't regret any of this, one thing I do regret is taking for granted that my marriage would just pottle along at the same pace as before. I took it for granted that my DH was one the same page as me and that his quiet approach to TTC was just that. However, it wasn't.

We got some help and DH has learnt to tell me how he feels. He will never be one of those men whose face lights up whenever they pass the local Mothercare but he is a man who is honest.

And because of our honesty we are taking a break. After two years, we are taking a break from TTC to concentrate on life, to concentrate on our life together and to remember what we were before this all took over.

Of course, it's going to be hard, maybe more so for me, but I owe it to myself, to us and hopefully, to our future child, to ensure that we are in a strong place before we start trying again and before we start IVF.

If Mindfulness has taught me anything it is to try to appreciate the Now and to stop worrying about the future and events that haven't happened yet. If I am not careful more months will pass in a haze of TTC and I will have missed my life. I am looking forward to enjoying time with my DH, with my friends and family and with myself.

xx

*DH - Dear Husband

Beat the blues: Create your very own support network

Think about your TTC endeavour so far.

Who has helped you through the bad days? Who has shared the good days with you? Who has offered you help and advice when you most need it? Who do you turn to for specialist advice?

I was thinking about my long quest to become a mum and realised that a lot of people, both in real-life and in the virtual world, have helped me to cope with the last two years.

So here is my team:

 My friends and family
Having recently told my mum about our diagnosis and IVF, I have been overwhelmed by her reaction. She wasn't over-the-top emotional as I expected her to be; she was calm, proactive and supportive, I should never have doubted her. And I would urge you not to make assumptions about peoples' reactions! My dad continues to be his quiet self  but his hugs tells me he is there. And my sister who, only the other day, claimed she 'is not the nurturing type' waited on me hand and foot, snuggled with me under the duvet and made me laugh in the days after my Laparoscopy. My close friends are wonderful. One will be mentioned below and my other best friend, who is pregnant, is understanding and discrete. 

I suggest you try to surround yourself with friends who make you feel positive. Of course, there will be some who have no empathy at all and if like me, you have some friends who make insensitive comments, I recommend distancing yourself from them, even if it's just for a short time.
. 

The Medical Profession
So far my experience has mostly been a positive one. We are very lucky to have the NHS in this country. 

A  Nutritionist
I completely believe that 'we are what we eat.' I hate taking medication (although I know sometimes we have little choice) and I am convinced that holistic therapies can be as effective, or at least complimentary. When I had my first full bloods done over a year ago, they revealed that my Prolactin levels were very high. I sought out a Nutritionist who looked through my blood results and helped me to decipher them! She taught me how to eat a healthy vegetarian diet - although I must admit I don't always stick to it...but we have to have treats sometimes don't we? 

My best friend who has been through IVF many times
We've been friends since the age of 11. She is like my personal advice service. I can text or call her at anytime of the day. She truly knows what I am going through. 

                                  

A Counselor

At various times over the past two years I have sought out the guidance of a counselor. To have someone who I can say anything to has been invaluable. 

My amazing Yoga teacher 

Just walking into the incense-filled room calms me down.  Yoga teaches you to appreciate and concentrate on your body. You have no space to think about anything else but that. As well as this, discovering the practice of Mindfulness has completely changed the way that I approach life. Oh, and all this is free! 

My 'Virtual support network' 

I never thought that I would be someone to frequent forums or rely so much on the internet BUT I have learnt that there are many, many women/couples in the same situation as me. Often, they know the answers to silly questions that you feel embarrassed about asking and offer kind but realistic words when you most need them. Clinics quite often have their own forums or threads so it's worth searching to see if you can find one.  

 

My wonderful Acupuncturist
Who has twin boys after IVF treatment at the same clinic as me. I was petrified of needles when I started but she has not only helped me to relax but she has also worked with me to practically overcome my fear. The fact that I recently had a Canula in my hand for 11 hours and it didn't bother me is testament to the what she has done for me.

And, of course, my husband 

who is riding this wave with me. 

Here is one of my favourite photos from our wedding. 

I'd love to know who you have in your support network. The next time you're feeling isolated, down or alone think about those around you who are wishing you well and love and care for you. And if you don't feel that you have much support then perhaps you could start to build one using the suggestions above. 

Good luck everyone, 

xx

Beat the blues: Walking

We all have those days when the we just can't seem to shake the cloud of worry, anxiety, sadness (insert appropriate rubbishy feeling here) that LTTTC* sometimes brings.

 

I pride myself on trying, and I reiterate trying, to do things that I know will make myself feel better. I know, in my most rational moments, that crying myself to sleep or wallowing in bed all day will not change anything and will probably leave me feeling worse in the long run.

 

Most days in term time I am confined to the four walls of my classroom. By the time I get home it is usually dark and days can got past before I have spent more than ten minutes outside. I am pretty certain that this can make things worse for me so last week I spent as many days as I could out walking and getting some much needed fresh air.

 

On Monday, I peered through the living room window and from indoors the sky looked ominous and didn't seem to hold much promise. I had lots of marking to get through but the prospect of sitting at my table ploughing endlessly through it made me feel angry and fed up. So, thinking about what would make me feel better and being kind to myself,  I doned my wellies, waterproof jacket and walking rucksack and set off through the puddles.

My walk took me across fields and onto a deserted country lane and I ended up at the quaint little pub in the next village. Of course, I had to treat myself to a pub lunch and a coffee and managed to mark far more papers than I would have had I stayed at home. By the time I emerged from the pub the sky had brightened and the sun had made a welcome appearance.

I don't think I can feel happier than when I am breathing in the fresh air, feeling the sun on my skin and taking in the spectacular views around me. As I walked I spotted, what I assume to be, a family of five deer in a field adjacent to the road. I stopped to watch them as they sat happily exposed in the middle of the land, their antlers proudly revealing their positions. And wow, what magnificent animals they are. They spotted me but did not move however I knew that at all times I was being watched in case I posed a threat. As I stood watching them a car past me and I felt sad that the occupants of the car had missed this occasion due to their hurry to be elsewhere. Someone once said to me that slow travel is the best way to travel and, in this case, I could not agree with them more. We miss so much as we rush through our lives and it is important to slow the pace and drink in the small wonders that occur everyday without us even noticing. This is something my mindfulness course is teaching me. Be mindful and live in the moment as much as you possibly can. It is amazing how much more appreciative I have become of the smallest, seeming insignificant, things.

 

 

 

Towards the end of my walk I spotted these delicate snowdrops, the first of the spring, growing in the churchyard across from our house. They can not fail to remind us of the optimism the springtime brings. They have grown and thrived despite the floods. Aren't they just beautiful?

So, if the gloom of Winter is getting you down or you are finding that tests, waiting, uncertainty of LTTTC is getting just too much, don't judge the day from the confines of your house. Get out there. Feel the chill on your skin. Wrap up warm. Breath in spring and marvel in the natural world around you. Be mindful of the moment. Remember to live in the Now.

xx

*LTTTC = Long Term Trying To Concieve

Me and Mindfulness

Two weeks ago I started an eight week Mindfulness course. Mindfulness, as the quote suggests, is all about living for the here and now, and 'showing up' for your life rather than hankering after, or mourning the past or living your life in a future that hasn't even happened yet.

I can confidently say that much of my life for the last two years, at least, has been spent worrying about the future and my uncertain fertility issues and working so hard at work that my life just 'happened' and I didn't even notice it pass me by.

It wasn't until September 2013 that I took a step back and reassessed my working life. I was trying to do so much at work and take on so many different responsibilities, and all the time I said 'yes' the boss just kept piling on the work. I was trying to prove something to myself. I had told myself that as a 30-something successful female, I needed to work hard and do as much as I could in my career simply because I didn't have a family of my own. I felt that because I didn't have a family yet I had no right to work less or take time out from my career.

I watched countless amounts of female colleagues leave their jobs to have their families or cut their working hours and the resentment I felt towards them was eating me up. I hated that feeling. It took months of counselling to realise that the only person who could change anything was...ME. So, I finally wrote a letter to my boss, resigning from all my positions of responsibilities and I decided from that day that I would look after ME. I realised that my mental and physical health was important enough to be put first over the demands of my job, of any job in fact. Of course, it meant a pay cut and an adjustment in other areas of my life but it was certainly the best decision I have ever made.

So back to Mindfulness; I suppose my real interest in Mindfulness does stem from the day that I made the decision to put myself first. Furthermore, the heartache, uncertainty and stress of infertility led me also to realise that actually, in life, there will always be difficult situations to deal with and that I needed to develop better coping mechanisms.

I started to think that I could use my mind in a more positive way. I know that my mind has been used to create the most terrifying scenarios and has made me feel so rubbish, that surely these powerful, negative thoughts could, with training and practice, be turned into powerful positive thoughts?

With this is mind I started to meditate, downloading as many free apps as I could, and started to read about Mindfulness. Finally in January, after receiving news from the fertility clinic that IVF was the recommended route for us, I decided to fully learn about the practice of Mindfulness and invest in this eight-week course.

Every day we are expected to undertake a body scan meditation, which takes 40 minutes, as well as other smaller practices. I am also reading Mindfulness: a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. Once I've finished I aim to write a review and also I am looking forward to sharing some of my experiences from the daily meditations.

But until then, keep mindful everyone and I hope you will consider the wonders of Mindfulness if you haven't already xx

Welcome x

Welcome to my new blog.

This is a place for me to share my 'baby making' journey and share my thoughts with many, many people out there who are experiencing the heart ache of infertility.

We will grow strong together x